Well friends, here we are staring down the barrel of another new year. It’s like they just keep on coming. If everything I’ve read though comes to pass we’ve finally perhaps come to the exhausting end. 2012 is certain to be fraught with peril. It will, without a doubt, be filled with nut-jobs, ass-clowns, fools and fakers and I for one can’t wait.
The Real Mr. Heartache’s Annual Report:
- Indiana based Country singer Tilford Sellers dethroned Chad Kroeger (for the first time in two years) as the most read about person on the blog. Kick ass! U-S-A, U-S-A!
- Ghost Riders In the Sky has been the most searched for song on the blog.
- 38,839 people read something on this blog. And we wonder what’s wrong with this country.
The Real Mr. Heartache’s corrections and retractions for 2011:
- One year ago today I said that every blog post in 2011 would include new and never before read information about the ATOMIC BOMB, GIN, and CHAD KROEGER. That was a lie.
- In May of 2011 I insinuated that I had been raptured. That was a lie.
- The Real Mr. Heartache’s tribute band “Atomic Kroeger Gin” fell apart before it even got started amidst in-fighting, drug abuse, motel room damage and blunt force trauma. Also, no one else would join.
Real Mr. Heartache 2012 predictions:
- While it is in slight doubt that the end of the Mayan calendar coincides with the end of the world after this election cycle many of us will wish it were.
- After despairing over the choices for President and unwilling to endure the pressure any longer Iowa secedes from the United States.
- All Republican candidates except Ron Paul say they will bomb Iowa if elected. Rick Perry evens draws a red bombing circle on a map. Unfortunately, he circles Ohio.
- Ron Paul’s presidential run is proven to be a sham. In fact the associated press show that Paul is a member of a shadowy group of rich, white Texans who already do run the country. This revelation shocks no one.
- Siri wins big on Super Tuesday. Rick Santorum debates Siri’s personhood while Newt Gingrich asks to be Siri’s VP. The win is short lived however when Siri is caught having an affair with Deep Blue.
- With all eyes on Iran, China and the Soviet Uni..er, Russia, England attacks on the 200th anniversary of the War of 1812. The victory and re-colonization of America turns bittersweet as we co-opt the Olympics and make shit-loads of cash. Huzzah.
- Only seven people collect the money however and the rest of us feel bad about ourselves for not working hard enough. I mean everyone has the same opportunities as everyone else. Right? Right? Hello?
- Do radios make sounds if no one is listening?
From the sandy bottom of my broken heart, The Real Mr. Heartache wishes you and yours a very happy new year. As always, thanks for reading.